Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Making Me a Millionaire

As my loyal readers already know, I am a mysterious vessel of innovative ideas. At first it looks like there are only enough ideas for one start-up, but it turns out that there are enough to last all eight nights.

In this continuation of my hi-tech millionaire series, I present an open appeal to fund my new hi-tech start-up.

I believe that extraordinary innovation starts with the mundane. Through the simple observation of our everyday world, we can think of creative new ways to make our lives our better.

I am currently enjoying the relatively unique opportunity of 11 weeks of paternity leave. This has afforded me ample opportunity to engage in the everyday reality of caring for babies. Naturally, I have channeled this opportunity to develop several highly innovative ideas in baby care.

You can trust my innovations because I have a distinct advantage in the space. As the partner parent to the internet’s foremost non-expert on parenting, I have access to one of the most insightful minds in child rearing. We have engaged in countless hours of intense brainstorming sessions around my ideas. Or, we would have if we were able to hear each other over all of the crying.

Hi-Tech Babies

Let me jump right in to our flagship product: The Internet Connected Breast Milk Flow Monitor.

This innovation occurred to me while searching the internet for “how do I know if my infant is eating enough?” Judging by how quickly this came up in auto-complete, it is clear that this is an all too common question for parents of infants.

If you bottle feed, the answer to this problem is very straightforward. It’s just a matter of measuring how much you give your baby at each feeding.

However, I was very alarmed to learn that parents who breastfeed have only primitive means to answer this question. The only option is to measure your baby’s output and infer from these imprecise diaper measurements that your baby is eating enough.

We can do much better! The Internet Connected Breast Milk Flow Monitor will be able to measure exactly how much input your baby is receiving. At first, I thought we could obtain these measurements through a specially designed mouthpiece for the babies, but then I realized that it would better to design an adapter for the mothers.

The adapter is great because it will also be designed to control the rate at which the milk is dispensed. This will solve a huge problem today, as currently there is no way for mothers and babies to control the flow. Clearly, this is a problem that needs to be solved because why else do bottles come in many different “stages”?

This is a hi-tech product and the most powerful features will come from the built-in internet connectivity. We can do all sorts of things with internet connectivity that you definitely will want. For example, we can automatically post Facebook status updates on how much your baby is eating.

But even more impressively, we will be able to collect data from babies all over the world on how much they are eating. We can do almost anything with this data. For example, I’m positive that we could use it to cure ebola. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense because we are just at the beginning of the hype curve on “big data”.


I have a roadmap that includes many more innovative ideas for this hi-tech baby company, but I can’t tell you any more of them until you send me your investment. And now is definitely the time to invest. For the right price, I would even sell you the entire company.


  1. The Microsoft Israel center is the source of the best startups at Microsoft. Maybe Yoram Yaacovi will acquire your company like the #200 million dollar Aorato!

    1. The R&D in Israel is heavy on security. Maybe it would make sense to pivot my company to the "cyber baby" space.

  2. Lower-tech method for measuring input received by baby through breastfeeding:

    0) Obtain baby scale for home use.
    1) Weigh baby on scale.
    2) Write down weight.
    3) Breastfeed baby.
    4) Weigh baby on scale.
    5) Write down weight.
    6) Find difference between two weights.

    Repeat steps 1 though 6 as desired.

    Will not cure ebola.

    1. Not bad. We could still cure ebola if we connected the scales to the internet. This would give us the ability to collect lots of data that we could use to cure ebola.